Acceptance

So, I have to really be true with myself here.  I'm really unhappy with the way I look in the mirror.  Its been eating at me for quite sometime now.  After seeing the pictures of myself at my middle sister's wedding, I was really upset.  I was embarrassed.  Funny, now, at my lowest point, I think to myself, who was I embarrassed for?  Sad, its an outward reflection.  I'm embarrassed not for myself but for my loved ones.  I love them so much, and I want them to know that.  How can they through what they see me as.  This is not who I am on the inside.  Trying to live a Life Positive and I'm counter-acting that with negative thoughts of myself. 
I sit today in contemplation, not of how to go about fixing it.  I know that part.  But in how to forgive myself for being so mean to myself.  I have to accept that this is who I am before change can come along and help me to a new path.  I have to be able to love myself through this sad state to be able to get to the state of understanding.
Harder to be on the learning end than the Giving end.
I'm not in total dis pair, it will pass.  Hopefully, I will learn the lesson this time through, Life does that.  It keeps handing you the same lessons until you master them and can move on.  I'm weary of this lesson, I've tried to learn it several times, no go.  I'm gonna try a different approach this time though.  One day at a time.

P.S. This one was a hard one to write, but I find its even harder to post it.  Those who have been through it will understand this more than those who haven't.