Saturday, June 20, 2015

My first Father's Day without you...

It has been quite awhile since I have had any time at all to sit and write.  I've noticed Life hand me a set of obstacles of late and I've been pretty damn frustrated.  Its funny how its in the most frustrating of times that I have reflections and thoughts come to me about learning Gratitude. At lunch today, I told Travis that its just given us more lessons to learn from.

We bought our first home, May 28th of this year.  It has been the most terrifying, happy, astonishing, surprising, rewarding, wonderful experience. 

 I never saw this coming, not this soon.  I know we have been making great strides to be in good standing.  I knew from the start, you were trying to help even from beyond.  That the chances we were getting to better our Lives since your passing was in huge part to the fact that you kept on working from that side to make things happen for all of us here.  I know, you know, I kept thanking you.  You kept on delivering.

 You have always helped us take great steps to better people, encouraging us, pats on the back.  Pointers when you think we needed them, and were open to taking them.  I see that now, this Father's Day more than I had on any other.  It isn't any wonder to me that you would still work so hard beyond the grave to make sure we are standing at the top of the steps, even if they are just the ones to the our new home.

I have been putting myself under an incredible amount of stress the last three weeks.  Juggling a growing business, moving from a rental home to our first owned home, running a household in two houses, trying to put things away, stay on top of things.  Travis and I are exhausted.  Sleep is hard for me, lots on my mind.

Then, putting photo albums away today, I opened one to this page. 
I miss you.  I can't thank you enough for always making things possible for us.  I missed you in the Black Hills, you would've LOVED it.  I could feel you sitting next to me as those western singers sang, "They called the wind Maria" from Paint Your Wagon.
I can see you clear as day in my new-to-me kitchen, opening all the cupboards to find a glass for milk to go with your cookies.  
I see you in Reza's mannerisms, In Caroline's curiosity, in Naenah's want for knowledge. And I'm so damn glad that you got to spend their first Christmas' with each of them.  That you got to greet them in their arrivals on this plane.
I love you. 
I never even thought about how hard it would be this first Father's Day through.  Travis' 8th one.  We will always celebrate, but I will miss you at every single one.

Happy Father's Day Daddy.  I love you.