Sunday, August 31, 2014

Happy Sunday. Just when you think the Light at the end of the tunnel has gone out...

As a writer of a very tinny tiny blog, and those who can relate to writing, I sometimes have to wait for inspiration.  Contrary to those who really don't enjoy writing, we aren't always full of ideas to write about.  So, being human, I wait.  And sometimes I have to wait quite awhile.  So then, I start to look, to search maybe is a better way to put it.

I don't always know I'm looking for it either, and most times I don't know what I will write about next until its sitting right in front of me.  I have been wanting to put words to screen since I wrote about Dad, just that the words and the meaning of the next blog weren't quite there in my head yet.

I look for it in the wee hours of the morning, with that first cup of coffee before the kiddo gets up to start her day and I jump into my roll as support staff.  I look in the sunset, I look in the sunrise.  I look at my pack of animals, I look in my husbands words and eyes.

I try to see into this world we live in with not just my sight, but with my heart as well.

I believe today the inspiration is there, and in just the right order.  I see it as an other lesson learned, more enlightenment to add to my belt.  Just more reasons why staying Positive helps.

The last week, there has been a build up of stress for me.  I try to find its source, but for the Life of me, I just couldn't get a hold of where it was coming from.  It was the first full week back to school, my week was pretty full at the studio, and then there is juggling family Life.  I think it might just be getting back to the grind.

Yesterday was the the threshold, I couldn't keep it in anymore.  And the dear one that he is, Hubby could tell.  I let it out, probably not as Gracefully as I could have.  But, like the amazing person he is, he let me just get it out.

I ended the tirade with,' I don't know why I do this to myself, I should know that it always seems the hardest right before it gets better.'  Guess what?  Life did just that.  It showed me possibilities this week that we couldn't even stop to dream of last week or last month.

It showed us kindness, and humanity, and hope and strength.  Life reminded me once again, to 'relax, we got this.'

I am human like everyone else.  I have an acute belief, because of my Life experiences, that if I just keep Positive, learn Happy, and be Honest, I will get it back, tenfold.  But its always the darkest before the dawn.  That is usually when I doubt myself and my efforts the most.

Then good people and good deeds start to show themselves.  And I am where I am today, completely humbled and taken back with Gratitude.  Then all the things that didn't work out in the past, start to make me see that there was maybe something great planned for me and mine.

Sunday for most is the end of a week.  For my family its our day to rest, relax and renew.  Sometimes, I'm lucky enough to reflect and gain wisdom.  Really, Sunday is the beginning of the week.

Never underestimate the power of Positive.  Mind frame, thoughts, Living.  Never think that Honest ways don't get you far.  People watch and they see.  And sometimes that is how you get your lucky breaks.

In other news.....
Dad is bouncing back good.  Having a wee bit of trouble with getting on course with pain meds, but he believes that this surgery has taken away the migraines for good! Yay.
 I have a niece and nephew who are growing like weeds, every picture posted and video I see helps me know that their parents are doing all they can to aid them in becoming amazing people.  I'm so proud of them and their parents.
Football has started.  Enough said. LOL

Happy Sunday, Bright Blessings,

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The walking Miracle that is my Dad.

In the winter of 2003, my Dad, Chuck/Keven/Charles/Tiny,  was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma.  The most common of kidney cancers.  It affects 3% of adults in the United States.  Its common and his luck, a very slow growing cancer.  Which meant that it was very treatable, survival rates for Rena Cell are very high.  But what they don't tell you, my Dad found out almost 10 years later, is that it is like a weed.  It keeps coming back, and like a weed, you have to keep pulling the cancer out.

Seven days after I was married,that Spring,  my Dad went into surgery to remove the cancer from his kidney.  What the doctors found was alarming and unbeknownst to us, a huge break through for Renal Cell.  He lost is left kidney that day, but what he gained was his Life.

My dad had always complained of lower back pain, it was hard to sit in the air ride chairs in the trucks he drove for long ours at a time.  Well, this day in 2003, we found out why.  My Dad's kidney was the size of a football.  We would later find out that all the cancer was contained in his kidney.  No signs of cancer in his lymphatic system or in his blood.

When Dad told us it was cancer, back in the winter, all I could hear in my head is 'No way, he's not going anywhere.' 'There is too much left for the man to do, too much for him to pay back to the family for having to be away so much to make ends meet.

When we finally heard back about Dad being cancer free, it was a relief.  And a sign that he wasn't going anywhere.  No Chemo,  no radiation.  He was so hell bent on recovering quickly so he could get back in the Truck and drive.

He stayed his healthy stubborn self until the spring of 2007, on his routine yearly tests, they found spots on his lungs.  I had no idea that Renal Cell could grow any other place but the kidneys.  But, it can.  It just moves around your body trolling for a weak point.  It found it, his lungs.

Why was that a weak point?  Yeah, well.  He never stopped smoking.  An action that has made me so angry, upset, and anxious every since the first surgery.  It hurt to think that Dad wouldn't just quit, that he was given this clean bill of health and he was just gonna send it up in smoke...literally.   It didn't present a bright future for my father making it to Grandad status or Poppy status as his is so adoringly called now.  I thought it was a pretty careless move, and it broke my heart. Yet, I know that personal demons are just that personal.  His to battle, and my job to love him through it.

In the late fall of 2007, he had the first of two more surgeries.  To pluck out the Renal Cell in his lungs.  The first lung surgery didn't go as planned, it collapsed and went from a minor procedure to a major one.  He was in a lot of pain after that one, and they had already gone ahead and scheduled the other lung for the early spring of 2008.

He was mean, and surly, and rude to his nurses.  I called Delene to vent.  Mom and Dad's bests friends in the whole world, my adopted grandparents.   She informed me that the Morphine made her  just like that, to check if that's what they gave him, it was.  She told me to have him ask about an other form of pain med, and she told me that I needed to tell him how horrible he was to everyone on it.

Oh my, I was raised you don't talk back.  I had to do it, I wasn't gonna walk into an other recovery room hearing him talk to the staff and my Momma like that again.  I did it.  I was terrified, and he was ashamed and even through that, he asked for different meds.  And he was an angel the next surgery through.  Typical, I had to work for that one!  :)  At least Mom and the girls got a better Dad for that one when he woke up.  Thank goodness I called Delene.

In the late fall of 2010, my wee little family moved to the Mid-West.  Dad was relieved, we were on his winter route.  Leading him literally, two blocks from the house.  January of 2011, Dad visited and was complaining of headaches, bad ones.  Border line migraines.  They got worse.  He tried to push through, but in the late summer of 2011, my father's physician pulled him form working.  Saying that the kidney cancer medication he was on, which by the way was formulated from the kidney he donated to research nearly 8 years before, was finally taking its toll and it side effects were doing him in.

The rest of 2011 and most of 2012 were hard on Dad.  He had worked for 40 years of his 57, he was lost, hurting, always tired from the slow chemo he was taking every two weeks at home.  I asked them to come have Christmas with us.  It would be their last year as grandparents just to Naenah, my Charlie was preggo and the following Christmas was going to be my niece's 1st.  They were there for Nae's 1st, I wanted them there for Caroline's and after that for Reza's.

It was a wonderful visit.  Lots of laughing, some happy crying, a few excursions, but mainly snuggling up warm at home.  Dad relaxed, he slept, he ate well.  I think him and Mom went home with a new perspective on how Life was gonna be.

Two weeks before June 15th 2013, Dad went in for his routine MRI for the year.  They found a meningioma between the hemisphere's of his brain, small and not of any concern to his doctors.  Until they changed his kidney medication in an effort to subdue the excruciating headaches he was having, and it made no difference.  Then, they turned back to the meningioma.  They watched it, and it kept growing, and he kept hurting.

June 15th 2013, he welcomed his second granddaughter into the world, Caroline Darling. Six months later, January 20th 2014, he got to hold his first grandson, Reza Dayas.  With Naenah Delane as the oldest of three grand kids.  Three kids, he never thought he would be around to see when all of this started in 2003, eleven years ago.

So, in the Spring of this year, my Dad had had enough.  He took his own health into his hands and went to his oncologist to tell him enough was enough.  It was time to take that lump out (his words, not mine).  If it wasn't supposed to be there in the first place, it needed to come out. Again, his words, not mine.  Dad thought that it was the cause of all his pain, his doctors agreed.

But before they would do the surgery, Dad had to undergo intensive radiation for a spot on his voice box.  Yup, potential cancer spot again.  He did it, so stubborn, he drove himself to and fro for 12 days.  He rested, he healed, and as far as we know, that spot is gone now too.

So here we are, the Summer of 2014.  Dad went in for the removal of this said meningioma, in hopes that it alleviates the piercing headaches he has dealt with for almost four years, yesterday.  Surgeries are complicated and one involving the brain just that bit more tricky.  There will always be worry when a loved one is undergoing surgery.

I got to talk to my Dad two nights ago.  I told him that so long as this is what he wanted to do, I was behind him.  I told him I loved him. That I would chat with him when he was up and about after surgery.

Today he is in ICU recovering very well from what the Doctor and his nurses are telling my Mom, sisters and Gran.  1600 miles is a long way to be from him at this point in time, but boy am I relieved that it went well.  The next few weeks will be painful as far as recovery goes, but he is due to make a full recovery and be back to himself in no time, which, I'm sure he is reminding everyone of how stubborn he is at this very moment.

I talked to my Mom this morning, she told me that there was not one doubt in my Dad's head that he was doing the right thing, and that he would pull through just fine.  He knew he had a fine set of doctors on his side.  He was right.  Now, only time will tell if those horrible headaches will be a thing of the past.

Times like these are what make a person like me, trying to live in Gratitude, fall to their knees.  Some of it is relief, but most of it is humbling Gratefulness for what I have been given.  Most people will look at my Life and think there isn't very much.  But the lot of you who really try to Live like I do, we will share a smile knowing just how much I actually have.

Hug those you love the next time you get the chance, because you just never know if it might be the last time you get to.

So, off I go, to get through my day, probably pumped up on coffee.  Thank the Goddess for Coffee.

Love and Bright Blessings,

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


I have a foreboding feeling I cannot shake.  Since my last sorrow-filled entry, I have been witness to another husband taken form his family.  The sweet little girls are so young that the memory of Daddy will have to be something that Mom and all the ones that loved him will have to fill in for them.  So young, too soon.

Others close to me, in these last few weeks, have lost aunts, uncles, grandparents and mothers.  It is a reality that is sometimes hard to face.  I am now approaching an age where death is just as common as new Life.  It makes this tiny little blog mean that much more to me.  I've noticed that in times of Happy and Sad, I have turned to this blog as an outlet.  It has never failed me.  Thank you for that.

I try to help heal bodies all week long.  Life in its purest, most raw form.  Breathing in and breathing out. It is a wonder to me how the human body can support in all different forms, yet how fragile it really is.  What it can hide from the outside world.

Robin Williams left our plane of Living today.  It is said he took his own Life.  Do you know how many Lives that man touched?  How much Brightness he brought to the world.  Yet, he was terribly sad on the inside.  He fought a constant battle internally the world knew nothing about.  All that Light he inside, it was still dimmed by depression.  Where even though he knew who Loved him, his special people still couldn't help him enough to dig him out of it.

I think he was too hard on himself.  I think he demanded things of himself no one on earth could live up to. To what end to we keep holding ourselves to standards that are unattainable? To death? To illness of both mind and body?

This man had kindness and compassion for everyone he met.  But he was unable to give it to himself.  How?

We need to stop being so hard on ourselves.  We need to give our souls compassion and kindness.

And here is where Gratitude plays in....

If you can look out into the World and have Gratitude, it gives back and resonates in your very being.  If at your very core all you want is to Love and Help, that is what you will get in return.  That doesn't mean that Life isn't going to throw you curve balls.  It means that Life is waiting to see how you handle them.

At my very basic belief platform, I have to believe that Grief, Heartache, Pain, and Loss  are trials to Happiness and Gratitude.  These roads are rocky, hard and unrelenting.   They can seem endless.  I can only imagine that the way we get out of them is One Thankful moment to the next, minute to minute, day by day.