Monday, September 7, 2015

Let's move this business one more time, that's three moves in one year, I think that's enough!!

   It is said that if your dreams don't scare you, you're not dreaming big enough.  Well, mine just got terrifying.  This year has held a tremendous amount of emotion, and we still have four months to go.  And what I do today will make the next six months very shaky.  Not with doubt, fear, or confusion.  But with exhaustion, determination, and just pure force of will.  Although, I am unsure how I will handle the stress load.  If the last three four days are any indication, it's not looking so well for the ones I love most (animals included.). 
   This next month is going to be grueling. I will be tired, sore, hungry, cranky and a jerk.  Will it be worth it?  Yes.  Does this make the future very bright for me and mine? Yes.  Will it take all I have to balance yet another Life change?  Yes.  I feel pressure.  Unnecessary, but pressure none the less.
   I guess the trepidation I feel is that I'm losing my grip on all I have worked at to remain and live in a positive light.  Stress does that to me, makes me second guess everything I do and say, makes me worry that if I even have any down time in my Gratitude, someone I love will bare the onslaught of my poor behavior.
   I need to give myself a break.  Really.  I need to stop worrying.  I can do this.  I've already proven I can do it, twice.  What is one more time?
   So, with that said, let's change the tune of this post....

I am beyond excited to share that I have been given a wonderful opportunity by a member of our community to have a much more permanent and home-felt location for my little massage therapy business. I am beyond Grateful and humbled by this chance to take this wee tiny, one woman business to a new-to-me location.  I think we will fit much better in this spot.  I believe that my clients, both existing and new, will find it more conducive to a relaxing and healing environment.  I just have to get the space ready, in less than a month.  Yup, you read that right.  Less than a month.  I'm nothing if not ambitious!! Right?!

So, in the days to come, I will be tired and chasing my phone and clients and paint brushes from one spot to another to home to pick up the kid to taking care of my clients to paint again, to home.  Wave at me if you see me, send me a smile if you think of it.  But please don't be offended if I don't slow down and chat, or rush off half out of my mind.  I'm juggling, and for the next few weekss I think that is just how its going to have to be.  I'm okay with that.  In the end I can say that I earned the minute to rest... next year. :)

If there is one thing that is constant in our lives, it is change.  The sooner we can accept change, the quicker the Universe can return the goodness that you put out into the World.  I have been Blessed with hands that work, and know all too well how to work hard.  I will use them until there is no more, Go, in them.  I'm a girl that likes to do as much of it on my own as I can.  Wish me Good Vibes!! 

Sending you Love, Light,and Bright Blessings

Monday, July 27, 2015

Your First Birthday not here...

Happy Birthday. I miss you so much. If there is any lesson that I have learned in your going on, it is that where you are now, there is no pain, no suffering and you are whole and well.  It is much harder for those left behind in the wake of you, but we will carry on.
Today makes 60 yrs. For most of us here, that is young. Too young to have to leave.  It still makes me feel sad to think that your time was cut short. Sometimes, good people have greater demand elsewhere. You gave us all you could, in wisdom, while you were here. I have to believe that it will help get us through. Just that sometimes, the thought of just sitting with you for a few minutes would make everything better.
It's hard to transition my thoughts as a human to know that you are never far from me now, ever. Your physical form is missed so much.
I love you so much. I'm so Grateful for you. I'm so honored that you are my dad. That you loved me with all my flaws.  That I was special to you, that I was worth it.  That you told me that all the time.  That you made sure that I knew how much you loved me.
I think that is my biggest regret, that I can't spend the rest of your years here telling you the very same things. How much I love you, even with all your flaws.  How special you are to me, how much I love you and am so very Grateful that you gave me what you could.  I just hope beyond hope that you hearing me now. We were so good about telling eachother we loved eachother.  You and I were good about it.  Maybe is was the distance, the understanding of being apart. Both.  Maybe.
Living in grief is a difficult state, with Grattitude I hope to find a less painful way to understand our loss of you.  Everyday is a lesson learned, it was when you were here and should be still.  You would want it that way.
I love you Dad.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

My first Father's Day without you...

It has been quite awhile since I have had any time at all to sit and write.  I've noticed Life hand me a set of obstacles of late and I've been pretty damn frustrated.  Its funny how its in the most frustrating of times that I have reflections and thoughts come to me about learning Gratitude. At lunch today, I told Travis that its just given us more lessons to learn from.

We bought our first home, May 28th of this year.  It has been the most terrifying, happy, astonishing, surprising, rewarding, wonderful experience. 

 I never saw this coming, not this soon.  I know we have been making great strides to be in good standing.  I knew from the start, you were trying to help even from beyond.  That the chances we were getting to better our Lives since your passing was in huge part to the fact that you kept on working from that side to make things happen for all of us here.  I know, you know, I kept thanking you.  You kept on delivering.

 You have always helped us take great steps to better people, encouraging us, pats on the back.  Pointers when you think we needed them, and were open to taking them.  I see that now, this Father's Day more than I had on any other.  It isn't any wonder to me that you would still work so hard beyond the grave to make sure we are standing at the top of the steps, even if they are just the ones to the our new home.

I have been putting myself under an incredible amount of stress the last three weeks.  Juggling a growing business, moving from a rental home to our first owned home, running a household in two houses, trying to put things away, stay on top of things.  Travis and I are exhausted.  Sleep is hard for me, lots on my mind.

Then, putting photo albums away today, I opened one to this page. 
I miss you.  I can't thank you enough for always making things possible for us.  I missed you in the Black Hills, you would've LOVED it.  I could feel you sitting next to me as those western singers sang, "They called the wind Maria" from Paint Your Wagon.
I can see you clear as day in my new-to-me kitchen, opening all the cupboards to find a glass for milk to go with your cookies.  
I see you in Reza's mannerisms, In Caroline's curiosity, in Naenah's want for knowledge. And I'm so damn glad that you got to spend their first Christmas' with each of them.  That you got to greet them in their arrivals on this plane.
I love you. 
I never even thought about how hard it would be this first Father's Day through.  Travis' 8th one.  We will always celebrate, but I will miss you at every single one.

Happy Father's Day Daddy.  I love you.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Charles Keven Moore

At 12:48 am January 14th 2015, my Dad passed peacefully to the Summer-lands.  He calls it Heaven.  My wee little family and I made it there just four and a half hours before he took that last breath.  The days after,  up until this very day have been a pretty surreal experience.
12 weeks prior to this date, Dad went into his oncologist and found out that the treatment that he was on at the time was no longer working.  They made plans and moved him to an aggressive chemotherapy treatment and schedule.  What we didn't know, is that in those weeks to follow, the treatment wasn't taking.  We noticed his loss of appetite, weight loss, and over all health declining.  We thought it was all signs of the adverse effects of the chemo.  Now, we know that it wasn't that at all.  We believe the new treatment made the cancer more aggressive, and all those signs, were signs that he was slowly slipping away.
So, we were in just as much shock as he was when the doctor came in to the hospital room he was in, admitted for what we thought was pneumonia, and told us it was time told us it was time to take Dad home and make him as comfortable as possible.  That the cancer had spread to the lining of his lungs and there was just nothing more to be done. He had seven days to two months to live.
Rita called and told me that her and Mom were so sure he would make the week.  And just like that, with the help of Rita's frequent flyer miles, we got there in just enough time for him to recognize us, cry some tears, and for my little girl to tell him goodnight one more time before she went to bed.  Then we sat those last hours, in sadness and tears and heartbreak and....
I am a person of a different strain of faith, but that does not mean that I don't believe in things that most do.  My dad was having difficulty taking deep breaths and his breathing was very labored.  All of the sudden, an hour before my Dad slipped from us, I could tell the Angels, his escorts had arrived for him.  His breathing switched from labored and loud, to calm, deep and quiet.  As though those escorts were just waiting for his physical body to be done.  As though to give us, the living, one last beautiful memory to remember him by.  I kid you not, I saw one last smile before that last deep breath.
Am I so lucky to have been there in his last moments?  Should I be so Grateful?  There are some that say there is no dignity in death.   I disagree.  It is the most honorable thing to do for someone who loved you so, who sacrificed for you and cared for you.  It maybe in the end that it comforts you more than it does the dead.  I wouldn't change it for anything.  I'm so Grateful he hung on, that he loved me and mine so much so that he fought for me to have one last moment with him.To his very last breath he showed me how much he loved us.
I'm pretty sure now, that my Dad spent most of his adult life looking for ways to make sure we all knew how much he loved us.  And as a result, I find myself thinking, and doing more to show my loved ones how much I love them. I made the phone call today to two of the most important people I have in my Life today, Dad and Mom's best friends.  Only took a month and a half to compose myself enough to call and hear their voices, it was a good chat.  I told them that Dad Loves me, that he never ever not took the time to tell me.  That is one thing in my Life I will always know.  Daddy loved me.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

So here we are, at the year's end...

Funny, I had been in a reflecting mind frame of late.  I wonder if my mind subconsciously goes there or if it is indeed the pull of the wheel of the year that innately pulls me there.  Time has a way of showing us the path.

The last few weeks have been quite a test for me and my not-so-new-to-me ideals of a positive and Grateful mind frame.  I think I am finally getting the hang of it.

I took a nasty fall down the stairs last week, and I am actually  healing up quicker than I had thought I would, but slower than I thought I would....if that makes any sense at all.

We couldn't just stop there with excitement, Hubby got sick, really, not eating for almost two days kind of sick.  Yeah, I was making me nervous.  The third day I had had it, I finally told him he had to eat!  I was terrified it was going to turn into pneumonia.  Thank the Goddess for homeopathic care, essential oils, anti-oxidants, and good old fashion sleep have helped him turn the corner.

And the kid had a mean cough.

Yup, my old self would be really upset that I had to work through my body soreness, fight my urge to just lay in bed, and have a moment for me.  Not this time.  I worked through it, glad that I didn't hurt myself so bad that I couldn't do the things my sick family needed me to do.  SO glad I actually took the time off of work and didn't have to juggle that too.  Happy to report that everyone is on the mend.

With the little one on vacation, my days are filled with Naenah, and only in the wee hours before bed do I get some quiet time to be with my thoughts.  Tonight, they are on the coming year.  What our goals will be health-wise, financial/budget-wise, our goals for vacations, Naenah's after school sports that are coming up, taxes, lots of To-Do's on my list....on top of keeping the studio running, the house/animals up to snuff.   This is where the old me would complain.  The new me?

Well, I'm just Grateful.  To have things to worry about, to have things to strive and do my best at.  Even if those things seem measly to anyone else, they are mine to do at the utmost best of my ability.

I've seen cracks in the shiny armour of others lately.  It has made my heart break for some.  Watching all the time, effort and resources used to create a facade.  Whether it be to hide something, someone or to embellish a truth to make it greater.  I'm so Grateful I've learned the lesson of not trying to show the world anything more than who I am, and being okay with that.

Its a pretty humbling thing to look back on the year and know that it has probably been one of the most satisfying year's of resolutions that I have ever had. Why?  Because I went easy on myself, I let up on the pressure of all the preconceived notions of what a resolution should be.  And I accomplished more this year than I ever could have thought possible.

So, again, I'm not making any statements of grandeur for New Year's.  Other than I hope I accomplish just as much if not more than this year.

Thank you for taking the time out to read this tiny little blog.  I wish you and yours a very Happy New Year!

Bright Blessings,

P.S. Thank you 2014, you treated me and mine quite well.  Cheers to what 2015 will bring!! <3 br="">

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Knowing your worth...

Well, it happened.  I fell.  Not a trip and I caught myself kind of fall.  It was an all out slip- and- hit- every- stair- and- bump- and- find -myself- confused- at- the -bottom- of-- the stairs, kind of fall.  It happened yesterday morning.  I immediately stood up, shaking from the Fight or Flight response my body was in and took a deep breath, wiped my face with my hands, closed my eyes and tried with all my might to feel anything broken.  I took a few hesitant steps, shifting my weight, assessing my body. Once a therapist, always a therapist.  I have in the past gone straight into that mode when Nae gets hurt or Hubby even. So, talking to myself in my head, 'Nothing is broke, thank Goddess.' I kept myself moving, knowing that if I didn't there was no way I was going to get done what needed to be done that day. I think I was in denial, as I went on about my morning getting ready for my day at the shop and taking Nae with me. I guess I ran on adrenaline most of yesterday until about mid afternoon.  Then, the soreness was awful.  I listened to my friends and family and took something for the swelling, which I hate taking OTC junk.  But, this was just a situation where I had to listen. As the night went on, the soreness just increased.  I tried to allocate the spots that were the worst, but in all honesty, it was from head to toe.  I thought a good night's sleep would probably help.
This morning has been interesting.  As was pointed out to me by Hayley when I she called to check on me, I have a very high pain tolerance.  I am not in pain, I am sore.  Seriously, its truth.  But man, am I sore.  It sparked a memory of my time in the hospital just after Nae was born.  The nurses were doing morning rounds and came in to see about my pain level. You know, the 1-10 scale, the Happy and Sad faces on the chart.  They had to ask me twice when I told them I wasn't in pain just sore.  That I didn't need the ibuprofen, that I just wanted my stool softener (Mommies will know how much more important that little magic pill is.) They shook their heads but complied.
I had 3 hours of massage scheduled for today.  Last night my husband put a stop to the notion that I was going to jump out of bed and go do those massages.  I was more ridden with guilt for my clients and I was really trying to look past how sore I was.  Well, he was right.  If I wanted to last through all of the festivities planned for our Holiday, I had to take it easy today.  Regrettably, I text my clients and let them know that I had to take a rain check today.
I can hear my Gran in my head when I think to myself, "I am no spring chicken anymore."  I think this lesson has come along at a very perfect time.  All my life I have prided myself in working hard, very hard.  Physical, back-breaking work.  Throwing freight with six-foot men, loading six to eight 100 lbs loads of muffin mix into a hopper and hucking heavy duty muffin trays all night, standing all day, jumping off and on a fork light all day, (yeah, yeah, I couldn't see most of the forks on the lift I was always too short.)
All that hard work for most of my adult life has taken its toll on my body.  My massage therapist instructors would poke fun at me being the kid with all the overuse syndromes we were learning to help combat.  Most times, I was the body they used to show how hard physical work can damage a body, especially one so small.  They were so good to me, not only using me as an example, but always working to show and fix techniques so they would work with my body, not against it.  Sometimes I would stump them on how they would go about altering a technique, but the next class time, they would have a perfect fix for me. I will be forever Grateful for their attention, all four of them.
That is what this whole entire fall has me on...Gratitude.  That fall could've been oh so much worse!!  If I had not worked so damn hard in all those stubborn young years, I would not have had the tough muscles to protect the bones that are by all acts of nature, growing older by the year.  I could've broken so many things.  It would've stopped me in my tracks.  Not just personally, but professionally.  Its another lesson in know just how much I am worth.  That I have to take healing just as serious as I tell my clients to.  My body is my means of making a living.  I have to keep it healthy, and in working order.  I guess you just don't know how important that is until it's about to be taken away from you.  Or could possibly be taken.
Sitting here writing, I feel twinges of nerves healing, aching in the muscles that just had a traumatic once over, and I know the healing that is going on.   I think about how well my clients took the news this morning, the concern in their words.  It means more than they will ever know that I was received with compassion and understanding.  And makes me want to heal, rest and be that much better of a therapist and person.
I won't let this fall upset my holiday, I am in a place in my Life where I can be positive through the soreness.  That the Joy of the Season isn't darkened at all.  That the Love I feel for my Family helps me heal.  That I am Living a Life steeped in Gratitude, so much so that even in down times my mind goes to that directly.  I'm getting the hang of this, I hope I never ever forget it.
Happy Holidays to you and yours.  Sending you Love and Bright Blessings,

Friday, November 21, 2014

My Me day.

I took a break today.  Its a normal day off for me, but I usually am running errands for the better part of the day. I decided on some Me time.  I had a two hour session with a great gal and got my holiday pedicure done.  I had a client call last minute right in the middle of relaxing time, pleading for me to squeeze her into my day. 
Back story:  I work limited hours a week as a massage therapist.  The hours and days coincide with my daughter's school schedule and family time.  Times and days that were negotiated by the three of us. Also, Massage Therapy is not a 40 hour a week job.  If you want any sort of staying power, you have to use your time wisely.  By wisely, I mean, slow and steady, not too much that can lead to physical breakdown.  It was hard for Hubby to let go of days and times for me to open, start and make a successful business grow.  But, we decided on guidelines, and I was willing to stick to them.  I don't think I really knew how much my little business would grow, how passionate I would become about helping or how much it would actually help the ones who took the time to see me. 
I normally sacrifice the me time and squeeze them in.  Thinking to myself, 'Its okay, you can take care of yourself later, at least its not cutting into time with Hubby and Baby.'  However, I said no today.  I had already pushed through two Fridays of "squeeze-ins".  And really, these people know my schedule and just push to what works for them.  The last two Fridays I let them push me.  This Friday, no so much.  I'm not supposed to work any Fridays. I felt awful.  I even had the sweet one doing my toes tell me that I wasn't going to take anyone today, that I needed a minute to myself.  Bless her.  She is a good girl.  And I needed to hear that at that moment. I called Hubby and vented, I called Hayley and vented.  I felt better, but couldn't help to think that my Me day of relaxation was shot.
Then I got a text from my Mom, reminding me we were going to Skype.  Time to visit, see my niece,which my mom watches on weekdays and catch up with her and Dad.  I took sometime and visited.  Glad I did.  Mom needed to vent.   Dad's new cancer treatment is making food not have flavor.  He's not eating.  Not much at all.  He's lost more weight and his oncologist has told him he needs to pick up weight or he will have to come into more meds to make him hungry.  Mom's worried. 
I got a chance to talk to Dad about it.  And he says its true.  Food tasted like cardboard, why eat it?  So I suggested a few things and he promised me he would try it. 
I got to see Curly (my niece), she's 17 months.  She sang and talked and played for me to see. 
I told them I loved them, then said my good byes,  hung up with them.
Then, I called Gran.  It had been awhile.  I needed to hear her voice.  Man, was that exactly what I needed.  The right words, all filled with Love.  The news about others, good and bad.  She is patient with me, I know she is.  Let's me get to her when I get that minute to talk. 
I even got to text my Aunt J this week too.  Keeping connected even if it just a few short texts.  But boy do those words keep the wind under my wings for just that much longer.
So, you see, I said no today.  I needed a Me day.  I don't feel so bad about it now as I write this, because my Me day helped me charge my batteries with Love from some of the ones that matter the most.  I needed this. Uplifted and recharged.
The lesson? One, sometimes when people say No, it has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.  Everything to do with them.  Two, respect an others boundaries.  You may not have any, but others do and most times, they are for a really, really good reason.