Thursday, September 29, 2011

Finally, I let go.

I did something yesterday that I thought I would never, ever do in my whole Life.  I let go of a grudge so old and hurtful,  that I didn't realize it was hurting my Life.
I forgave my youngest uncle on my mom's side, Danny.  Its been more than fifteen years since his untimely death.  A death that left my grandmother with caring for six kids, his kids, all on her own.  Well, she's had the aid of my wonderful Aunt & Uncle.  And my parents have continued to break their backs financially to help provide for six extra mouths.
He died of sclerosis of the liver.  That's right, the idiot drank himself selfishly to death. Then left his mess for his family to clean up.  I, have been mad at him ever since. Mad is a very mild world.  For  years, the very thought of him taking the easy road and leaving his family to handle his business has made me shake in anger.
No more.
I always looked at it through the eyes of being left behind.  Not just his kids, I now realize.  But me.  He left me.  He may not have been the best person.  Drinking himself stupid, putting money down on cock fights and losing it all, snorting cocaine.  Yeah, I knew about it all.  He never thought I did, but I knew.
He was still my uncle and a favorite one at that.  He would take my sister and I to school everyday make sure we were safely there and home.  He always made us laugh, spoiled us rotten.
He had the single most brilliant smile I have ever come into contact with, well, that is until I met my husband and had our little girl.  Those two smiles are just plain amazing, thank you very much.
What I never did, is stand in his shoes.  Stop to think about why he did the things he did.  How scared Life made him.  How the guy never got any help, like there was any, for depression or drug abuse or alcoholism. How the future made him more anxious than excited.
I thought he was perfect.  He got caught up in trying to hide the real him that he ended up just hiding in one lie, then another.  Now, as a humbled adult.  Who has been saved yet again by the Graces of her daughter and husband, I get it.  I'm not perfect either.  I'm trying to step out from what society tells me to do, which is to blend, blend in.  No sudden movements, they might see that you aren't like them.  That you don't have as much, look as good, own as much, do as much. I'm trying to take back my Life and live Life behind the curve and happy.  But, that's not true, We have always lived Life behind the curve and have always been happy.  I'm just tired of smiling when everyone compares and contrasts.  Now, I smile truly and lay it all on the table.  You don't like?? Too bad, find someone else to belittle, it won't work here.
It hit me yesterday that if I live my Life by that rule, I had to let go of that grudge.  My husband and daughter see my blunders and help me through them.  Danny didn't have that, he just had everyone hammering on him.  Disappointment, head shaking, "shame on you's".  I got really lucky.  Then again, maybe Danny sent them both to me so that I wouldn't end up like him.  Maybe he knew how heartbroken I really was, even when I didn't.
Now, after letting go of that horrible place I was with him, I miss him.  He was my uncle, a good one, to me at least.  Why now? Why think about it even.  I have no idea.  All I know is I'm driving the thirty minutes to the grocery store yesterday with Nae in the backseat, thinking of her selfless act the night before. Giving thanks to the universe for her and my husband, thanking what ever force for letting them be my support.
When, out of now where I feel Danny sitting in the front passenger seat, comforting me.  And it all comes flooding back and out.  If he can forgive me, I can forgive myself.
Thanks Danilo Cabal.  I Love and Miss you.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Its Thankful Thursday.

So.  There is quite a bit to thankful for this last Thursday in September.  So many things come to mind, I'm having a hard time focusing on just one.
A year ago, I found this post on a blog site :
Wow, did it say just about everything that my husband and I were trying to tell the world and didn't know how!!  With our already on-going commitment to be grateful this just re-enforced our motto on Life.
I'm just humbled at the fact that is has been a year since I read it.  This piece and a friend's blog spot :
That led me to write my own Blog.
Life's road has been a bumpy one for my little family.  We moved to the Midwest to find relief.  What we have found more of since arriving is more bumps and challenges.  I could take the blows like every other person in this selfish world and ask "Why me?".
But, I'm not.  Do you know how lucky I am to learn this lesson repeatedly???  That I may not see it coming, but each time it arrives, I take a minute and realize that its here...again.   That I get to correct, tweak, shake my response this time around to learn that much more from the lesson.
I'm gonna stop seeing it as an AGAIN and start being grateful that I get the chance another time to see it in a different light and try to wrap by brain around it another way.
I don't care how many times in my Life this lesson comes back.  I get better at handling it every time it comes around.
Now, that, is something to be grateful for.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

To let go is to give ourselves the ultimate peace...

With all the commotion in the past month with my baby sis's wedding, the prep, and the execution of said wedding.  Its taken me about two weeks to come back to a balance in Life.  Its every bit as peaceful here in KS as I need it to be.  But, where my outside is peaceful, there is an unjust of the peaceful with in.
Its not anything that is disturbing the most part of my Life, but I know from past experience that if I don't let this thing go, it will festering into a negative part of my life.
I witnessed one of the people I admire the most become upheavals at the most petty things during this last month.  I wish it stopped there, they let this upset them so much, they forgot where they were and started ranting and raving in front of all the attendants in the wedding.  I would love to say that it was nothing, but it was something.
They saw me standing there and just went off.  Stomping, yelling, huffing.  So beside themselves that they yelled at one of the sweetest people we both know in the process.  Really, did you just huff off and slam a door too??
So beside myself, I was in shock for a bit.  Until I realized that they just embarrassed themselves in front of all the people that the Bride and Groom asked to stand witness with them.  Then, as emotions go, I got angry.
As a child I can see a reaction like this, but not from an adult.  One that I admire at that.  On a day so important on top of that. Mad at all the people but the ones they were upset with in the first place.
I still haven't had the heart to tell the Bride.  We were all with out so much sleep, nervous that all would go right.  I could've acted the cranky ass sister bitch, but I didn't.
Shaking from fury, I stepped away from it.  Only now to have it still bother me so.
I have to let it go, it was not mine to harbor in the first place.  Not mine to live with for the rest of my life. I can't say I'm not disappointed, I thought for sure that if there was anyone who would've handle that situation with dignity it would be them.
I guess not.
I guess part of it festering too is that I have not been honest enough with myself as far as letting it go. They are only human, so am I.  Mistakes happen, bad judgement happens.  I have to understand this as well.
Maybe its just as hard for me to let it go because I'm just as angry about it happening as they were at the time of the blow out.
I get it now, lesson learned.
Funny how it starts to lay flat and you can see it clearer when you write it down.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The King Wedding

So my baby sister got married a week or so ago.
I had the honor of marrying her and her hubby.
It was a small backyard wedding in the yard of our Grandparents homestead.
The recpetion was in a refurbished fruit packing shed in our hometown.
It was exhausting putting together all the little details of this wedding, but it was probably one of the best weddings I have ever had a chance to at.
Rita's and my own rank up there too! ;)
SO happy that they are hitched and moving on in Life together.
All of the Daughters Moore are now wed.

Congratulations Mr & Mrs. King!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Hello Kansas, I'm back.

 A month has gone by.  The last of the sisters is married.  The wedding was awesome.  So many people pulling together ideas and hands to pull off one pretty cool night of celebration.  We came home and had exactly one day to get things ready for a visit from Hubby's Mom and Dad.  Grammy and Poppa.
I was nervous about not having much time to prepare.  Goddess Bless my wonderful husband, he did SO much cleaning and preparing before he flew out to walk my sister down the isle!!  It made things so much more smooth in this visit!!
So, five weeks later and here I am.  Finally, a minute to jot down a quick post.  So much to be Thankful for these past weeks.  I will try to remember all of them in the coming weeks for Thursdays.
The fall weather is upon us in the Midwest.  I am ready.  Mentally at least.  Lots to do to winterize the house, but I'll get there.
Just a few trips planned for the next six months.  Gonna buckle down and stay close to home for a few years.  Lets face it though, I'm kinda tired of the travel right now.
New things holding my interest of late?, quite addicting.
Catching up on the Blake Family....Kaci is growing with baby!!! WooHoo!!!
Taking a better step forward in health WITH Hubby!!
Getting back on track with preschool curriculum for Nae.
Keeping up with my sisters and the families that they are growing in.
Plus all the small stuff in Life.
Quite Magical in its beautifully Mundane way!!
Wishing you the Brightest of Blessings!!