Thankful Thursday....

Today has been a rough one.  I have been choking back tears and horrid feelings and thoughts.   I didn't see any of it coming, I feel blind-sided.  I have been trying for the last few days to dig through it all and figure out the root cause.
.........  I'm homesick.........again.
The funniest thing about that?? I leave for home in a month and a half!!!   I know, I KNOW!!!  This sucks, you just never know when it'll hit.
I'm thankful today for Naenah Hugs.
For those who get it, you'll understand what I'm thankful for.
I love you Nae.



Our mortality

I had my baby sis call me and give me news.  It was sad news.  One of her dear friends from high school passed away yesterday.  She had only weeks before her Wedding Day.  She is survived by a pretty little girl, and a loving Fiance.  She was a choir singer and band member.  Charlie and this gal loved everything about singing, dancing, and music. 
It has been a while since Charlie had seen her, yet there was always FB there to at least get a "Hi"or "Hey" in.  This news shook me baby sis pretty roughly.  It got her down to the core.  It wasn't that she was the best est of friends with this sweet girl.  But just that, that she was a totally sweet girl.  Not deserving of such a short walk on this plane of existence.  I can understand my sister's strife.   How much that can hit home.
Charlie is only a few months away from her own Wedding.  Even just a few short years from starting a family with Kenn.  So many things that they both have been looking forward to as a young couple.
It rocks your little orbit when things like this happen. 
You remember just how truly special and important Life really is.  Its a shock to your system when you realize as an adult that your Immortality has slipped and your just like the rest of the world.  Mortal.
Twice in my Life I have been rocked like this by the passing of two completely different individuals.  I was shaken to the very core of my human soul.  Realization hit me in the face.  First was a co-worker 11 years ago.  He was taken to the Summerlands violently, in his failed efforts to help a family member.  Then, I realized my mortality.  How fast things can change and no longer be what you thought they would be.  I refused to where black to his funeral.  Instead I wore White and Blue.  Pagans wear white to honor the dead.  If there was anyone that needed to be honored that day with this tradition, I was gonna honor him in this way.  He would have understood.
I never saw it coming, how overwhelmed with emotion I would be in a Catholic church and have the sorrow of loss over come.  Trav and I sat at the very back, I wept like he was my only brother.  As Trav held me close, we looked up to see others from work in the same state.  People who were much closer to him that us, overcome as well with the loss.
I realized that day I would have to start living Life much more happy.
The second time I was taken to me knees with heartache was just two short years ago.  Way back in the day I dated the sweetest kid.  Younger than me by a year, we had no idea what this dating stuff was about, but we stumbles through this crush and had quite a few funny and sweet moments.  I got to know his family.  His older sister looked out for me at the high school.  His mom and dad were so helpful im getting us to functions and taking time out of their day to give us rides, take me home safely after functions.
The day before my family left the Philippines, Him and his parents came to Manila to see us off.  I was taken aback by the kind of support that this family had for one an other, it was obvious they would do anything for each other.  I didn't have that kind of a family.  As the kids, we did what we were told and asked for nothing extra.  We were grateful to get what we could, again ask for nothing.
That his parents would make the trek with him to let him see me one last time, I was humbled, shocked, grateful and really out of sorts.
Over the years I would think about that family, and as I became an adult, I realized just how much that family really cared and respected each other.
I had just had the chance to reconnect with his sister on FB.  SO, happy to be in the loop again with this amazing family.  I had heard he had married, had two beautiful girls, and was going on at least fifteen years of service in the Marine Corps.  So happy to hear!! He had found his Happy Ever After too!!
Then the news came of his fight for his life in the VA hospital and his untimely and all way too soon passing.  I. was. devastated.  
For him sure.  But for who was left behind, SO much more.  That family was tight.  Him with his immediate, but him with his siblings and parents also.  None of them deserved such a loss. 
Even still as I write this the air gets sucked out of my lungs and tears form on my lower lids.
Life has no promise of forever.  As I have emotionally witnessed with these two passing. 
I make myself important enough to wake and realize that everyday is a sweet and generous gift.
I hope that Charlie will be able to take that from her loss.

SAHM....

Being a Stay A Home Mom, is a whole other dimension of existence.  I have always been a worker bee. From the time I was twelve, I have been working/volunteering.  The first year as a candy striper for the Red Cross in the Pediatric ward of the naval base we lived on.  The the next two summer I was hired as an intern for youth in the Peds ward and OB ward.  Its all history from there, I have always worked.  I knew that even after having Nae that I would have to work to make it in Cali along side the hubby.  I even worked two jobs while pregnant to make sure we were on good footing.
Then the job market took a dive and I lost my day job. My part-time job was making okay money and for the next three years  I worked part time and stayed at home with baby.
Now, in Kansas, I have had the amazing opportunity to be at home full time, and it is EXHAUSTING!!!  Oh my sweet Goddess.  I thought I worked hard when I worked!!  This SAHM business is tough!!
There is always something to be done, you are your own worst critic, and the To Do list is never empty!!
I'm painting and decorating the old house,( before and after photos to come in another post) on top of regular responsibilities.  Jeez, I'm tired. 
Most days I'm on top of it, but there are some day where it just gets away from me.  I could get down on myself, but instead, I write.  I take time to refocus. Learn the lesson and move on.
I have trouble finding time to write, whether its for my blog or a chapter in one of the many novels I have going that I swear is gonna make us millions!! LOL  I just don't see how the other SAHM, have time for blogs and Cookies and Sewing.....BUT if its what you love you find time.
Like today, I sat down after hubby left for work and the inspiration hit me....result??? Three blog post ready to go.  Now, if I could just find a topic for Thankful Thursday, I'd be good!! :)

How many times do you stop in a day???

I found myself stopping a lot this last weekend to take it all in.  Just look up from my book and look around.  Listen to the birds, feel the wind on my face.  I had a wonderfully lazy day on the porch reading.  Nae would come out every hour or so to check on me.  She'd crawl up in my lap, I'd put down my book and just be.  With her. Trying to memorize her face, in awe of how she has grown, excited to see how she will progress.  Coffee on the porch with Hubby is the same way, life flies by and this is our one moment in everyday that we take to just sit and be together.  I get that every morning with him.  Granted I have to wake early when he goes to work to achieve it, but its so worth it.  I try to take a few minutes everyday to sit with Nae in my lap, which most times ends up being at least a half hour and a TON of giggles.  If we're lucky we end the day on the porch again just in the "Be" mode.
I lucky to be able to notice and take the time to just look around and be.  I wasn't always fortunate enough to take that time.  I remember times in my life that I never looked up from what I had going on in a day to take notice and be in wonder and awe.
Glad that Hubby and I have changed our path, reached an Enlightenment of sorts. That we can look at the most Mundane things in life and find their magic.  Can you say that you can do that?  I dare you to try.

The heat, a slip n slide, and Nae.

This is how the weekends are.

Nae gets a painting session on the front porch.

See Poppy's Trailer in the background??

We were letting have a nap.

She loved the Slip n slide!!

The make over continues...

So, here are a few more projects I took on before Mom (Trav's) came out to visit.

This place needed paint so bad, I took that Moonrise color and put it in the hallway and the bathroom, then I painted an old cupboard in the kitchen and made it new.  Take a look see for yourself.

This color difference is what happens when smokers live in a house!!

My helper!!

After TWO coats of paint with primer!!

Again, it is beyond me why they did this.

On top of the dark blue they flecked it with white!!

And now, all fixed

This cupboard now makes the tiny kitchen look HUGE!!

This is the after pictures of the bathroom, new paint, shower curtain and floor mats.

Paint is magic! :)

Maybe that is why I've been so emotionally off kilter, I'm tired from all the make over stuff!!!

As she grows.

So this post comes on the tail of Memorial Day.  I was in the dumps a lot of my tween and teen years about my relationship with my dad.  He was gone a lot. In the military things are unpredictable, then when he retired from that, he took on a job that required LONG stretches of time away from home.  Mom, raised us by herself for the most part.  My relationship with my dad has grown in the years since I married my Hubby.  My dad did something on my wedding day that I never saw coming.  When he stood to try and say a few words, because Hubby's poor dad just couldn't get any out either.  He gave all the credit to my Mom.  I wiped the slate clean that day for my dad and I.  Its been rough to open up to someone who I thought has never really been there.
He calls me at least once a week to check in. He's still working a job away from home, and now that his girls a a bit more spread out, he tries to talk to each of us once a week.  I never know what he will say or how the conversation will go.  The last six times he has called, he has asked about the Nae, checking to make sure all is going well with her.  I'll fill him in and then out of nowhere, he'll tell me that I was just like that as a kid or tell me what him and mom used to do when they handled it with my sisters and I.  He will say things and it will trigger a memory I never thought I had.  It will just come flooding back as clear as day.  I spent so much time being mad at him.  It took all the wonderful things he was there for and repressed them.
I'm so grateful now to have the time to talk with him, gain his insight...and let's be honest, get my good memories and Daddy back.
I tell you this because he asked about Nae a few times ago and I told him that she was sleep a lot.  He said something to me that I had already resolved to but what he said just backed Hubby and I's decision.  I have been slowing down Nae's at home learning.  Giving her more free time for unstructured play and exploration.  The biggest thing I do, that most will tell you is a HUGE  "no, no".  Is I let her sleep until she wakes on her own.  Yesterday, she didn't wake until 11am, this being said the kid went to bed at 9:30.  Most will say that I'm not giving her structure for her future, I worried about that.  Until I talked to my dad.
"Let her sleep Norma.  It will be soon enough that she will have a schedule that she will have to adhere to.  Let her just be a four year old kid."  Again, Hubby and I had resolved to this way before Dad had said this, but it was good to hear him say it.
I realized six months back that the one thing I always wished for when I was in school, was to sleep in and to be with my mom, safe at home.  Every single day of school I wished this, all the way up to my senior year.  I got to thinking that there are so many things that Hubby and I can give our daughter, the list is limitless.  BUT, there are only so many things I can NEVER give her back.  One of them is her youth.  I can't give back time before the real world desends on her all sorts of hoops to jump through, lines to follow, time schedules to adhere to.
When she turns five and goes to Kindergarten, it will be so different than preshcool and there will be no turning back. So, Hubby and I are letting her have these years before school.  Sleep when and as long as she needs, eat and grow as she needs.  Love and hug as much as possible.
Before I know it, she'll be ready for the SAT's and eyeliner.

Thankful Thursday.

What a rough week mentally to get through!!  I feel like I'm dodging mental land minds left and right.  A week of Ups and Downs, trying to dig deep to find the energy and want to keep the steps upward and forward.  I haven't had a week like this is quite awhile.

Eat

Pray

Love

So glad I sat to watch this movie and take a minute for me.  I'm awaiting my copy of the book.  I'm thankful for letting myself take a minute to be swept away on an amazing journey.  One I feel I have already started, but was grateful to be reminded of.

There is a part in this movie where the main character is asked to play guide to a group of folks coming through the ashram that she is attending.  She starts to talk about finding God.  Its my last Quote on this Blog. 

We look and look for what might be perceived as God.  She embraces the idea that God dwells in her, as her.  She goes on to talk about how God doesn't want us going about our Life following a routine as he did.  We were made with free spirit and the last thing he wants to do is sit in heaven and watch us do the same things he did. Free Will.  If we can know that that Divine Light is with us in all we do, it makes Life much more bearable.

Thankfully, even if its been a rough week, I still understand.









Acceptance

So, I have to really be true with myself here.  I'm really unhappy with the way I look in the mirror.  Its been eating at me for quite sometime now.  After seeing the pictures of myself at my middle sister's wedding, I was really upset.  I was embarrassed.  Funny, now, at my lowest point, I think to myself, who was I embarrassed for?  Sad, its an outward reflection.  I'm embarrassed not for myself but for my loved ones.  I love them so much, and I want them to know that.  How can they through what they see me as.  This is not who I am on the inside.  Trying to live a Life Positive and I'm counter-acting that with negative thoughts of myself. 
I sit today in contemplation, not of how to go about fixing it.  I know that part.  But in how to forgive myself for being so mean to myself.  I have to accept that this is who I am before change can come along and help me to a new path.  I have to be able to love myself through this sad state to be able to get to the state of understanding.
Harder to be on the learning end than the Giving end.
I'm not in total dis pair, it will pass.  Hopefully, I will learn the lesson this time through, Life does that.  It keeps handing you the same lessons until you master them and can move on.  I'm weary of this lesson, I've tried to learn it several times, no go.  I'm gonna try a different approach this time though.  One day at a time.

P.S. This one was a hard one to write, but I find its even harder to post it.  Those who have been through it will understand this more than those who haven't.

Eat, Pray, Love

I sat down last night infront of the TV in the basement just wanting an escape for an hour.  I wanted an hour to just sit, and I wanted the TV to take me to some far off place.  I never in a million years thought I would go to Italy, Inida and Bali.  I never thought that I would cry, laugh, and gain Enlightenment from a show.  Yep, swept away by the movie, Eat, Pray, Love.
I wasn't really going to give the movie much time, but I got sucked in.  Now??  The Book will be even better.  This is a philosphy that Trav and I have been setting in motion for almost five years now.  Its working for us.  This author's insight is Joyous for me to see!! All the learnings that Life can offer.

"God dwells within you, as you."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

So many Truths spoken in the film, a new resource for Hope, Faith, Love and many more things!!



Seeing the Bright Side

I'm an FBer just like the next gal.  What I have been doing on FB since I joined  almost 3 years ago is reconnecting.  As military brat,  moving  was part of the deal.  So many amazing people you meet, but as you move, you lose touch.  This FB thing has given me a chance to be back in the Know with so many people I thought forgot who I was.  It has been humbling and amazing.
I was in search of a classmate and stumble upon two who I never thought I would reconnect with again.  I never found my classmate that I was initially looking for, but, the two I found are now part of my every day FB life.
It's inspiring to me to be able to see status post on how Life is treating them and thier loved ones.  Today, I was told that my positve words help keep them afloat at times.  Funny how that just reenforces Trav and I's view on Life.  Changing the way you look at Life is a magic in its own. 
Not that we don't have our own negative days, down in the dumps.  Its just that, we see that it doesn't do us any good to stay there for very long.  I see so many negative post, I wonder if those people know how the negative you put out comes back to you in negative, three fold.
Just when I want to post something that is not so positive, I get comments like the one from my friend.  Then I see that its worth putting in the effort to stay positive.
Some bumps on life are really bad, I'm glad that I have had a change of perspective.  When bad things happen now,  I can stop with the "why me?" and look at the "what's the lesson?"
Thanks Cynthia, it means that much to me.

Giving her a make over

So, we have been in Kansas for Eight months!!!  I can proudly say that we have survived a winter!! Yay!
Spring was beautiful cool and green, Nae and I missed a month of it as we were in Cali for my one of my Sis's weddings.  We can back to almost Summerlike conditions and I was eager to get started on livening up this poor, uncared for house we have rented.
Here are some of the pictures, its just paint and curtains, but its made a world of difference.

So much of the room was lost in shadow because of this drab color!

What possessed the folks before us to paint in this color, I have no idea.  It was a dungeon feeling for the whole winter.

You can see all corners of the room, and the room is HUGE !!

Like the two models in the chair??!! LOL

I went back and forth on what color to put on the walls.  I ended up with a white called , Moonrise.  The name alone was comforting!! 

Finally we feel like its a bit more like home.  Pictures of other paint projects are on the way!

Thankful Thursday.....Hairstylist weild Magic!!

 Yup this is me.  After two months without a haircut.

 I have been so busy painting and getting the house ready for Trav's Mom to visit, I have not really had the time to take out of my day for a cut and color. I have paint in my poor mop of hair.
Until Today!!

Goddess Bless Hailey.

I believe its magic, only at a Hairstylist can make you feel like a million bucks after slopping through paint for a week!!!

I'm thankful to Hailey for wielding her magic and making me feel human once again.

 Thanks to Sara Jacobs for letting my girl kick it at her house while Mommy got a very much needed break!!!