Finally, I let go.

I did something yesterday that I thought I would never, ever do in my whole Life.  I let go of a grudge so old and hurtful,  that I didn't realize it was hurting my Life.
I forgave my youngest uncle on my mom's side, Danny.  Its been more than fifteen years since his untimely death.  A death that left my grandmother with caring for six kids, his kids, all on her own.  Well, she's had the aid of my wonderful Aunt & Uncle.  And my parents have continued to break their backs financially to help provide for six extra mouths.
He died of sclerosis of the liver.  That's right, the idiot drank himself selfishly to death. Then left his mess for his family to clean up.  I, have been mad at him ever since. Mad is a very mild world.  For  years, the very thought of him taking the easy road and leaving his family to handle his business has made me shake in anger.
No more.
I always looked at it through the eyes of being left behind.  Not just his kids, I now realize.  But me.  He left me.  He may not have been the best person.  Drinking himself stupid, putting money down on cock fights and losing it all, snorting cocaine.  Yeah, I knew about it all.  He never thought I did, but I knew.
He was still my uncle and a favorite one at that.  He would take my sister and I to school everyday make sure we were safely there and home.  He always made us laugh, spoiled us rotten.
He had the single most brilliant smile I have ever come into contact with, well, that is until I met my husband and had our little girl.  Those two smiles are just plain amazing, thank you very much.
What I never did, is stand in his shoes.  Stop to think about why he did the things he did.  How scared Life made him.  How the guy never got any help, like there was any, for depression or drug abuse or alcoholism. How the future made him more anxious than excited.
I thought he was perfect.  He got caught up in trying to hide the real him that he ended up just hiding in one lie, then another.  Now, as a humbled adult.  Who has been saved yet again by the Graces of her daughter and husband, I get it.  I'm not perfect either.  I'm trying to step out from what society tells me to do, which is to blend, blend in.  No sudden movements, they might see that you aren't like them.  That you don't have as much, look as good, own as much, do as much. I'm trying to take back my Life and live Life behind the curve and happy.  But, that's not true, We have always lived Life behind the curve and have always been happy.  I'm just tired of smiling when everyone compares and contrasts.  Now, I smile truly and lay it all on the table.  You don't like?? Too bad, find someone else to belittle, it won't work here.
It hit me yesterday that if I live my Life by that rule, I had to let go of that grudge.  My husband and daughter see my blunders and help me through them.  Danny didn't have that, he just had everyone hammering on him.  Disappointment, head shaking, "shame on you's".  I got really lucky.  Then again, maybe Danny sent them both to me so that I wouldn't end up like him.  Maybe he knew how heartbroken I really was, even when I didn't.
Now, after letting go of that horrible place I was with him, I miss him.  He was my uncle, a good one, to me at least.  Why now? Why think about it even.  I have no idea.  All I know is I'm driving the thirty minutes to the grocery store yesterday with Nae in the backseat, thinking of her selfless act the night before. Giving thanks to the universe for her and my husband, thanking what ever force for letting them be my support.
When, out of now where I feel Danny sitting in the front passenger seat, comforting me.  And it all comes flooding back and out.  If he can forgive me, I can forgive myself.
Thanks Danilo Cabal.  I Love and Miss you.