Two years on the Summerlands...and I still miss the hell out of you.

Gimli

4/17/03-3/17/09

St. Patty's Day used to be a fun holiday.  You would nose around in the kitchen while I made corned beef, mashed potatoes and cabbage.

Too bad you never got to taste it, I know, you had the odds stacked against you from the start.

That didn't mean we loved you any less.

Its two years later and I still hurt to think of life with out you.

So much happy stuff has happened, I know that you were probably part of why, because we have you and Pop looking out for us.

Its time, it does hurt less, the memories are so much fonder.

But, I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day I cross to that sweet, green, grassy field and see you sitting by the Feasting Tables waiting for me.

Miss you GumBear

My husband and his gift....

In the middle of texting my husband today, I realized another truth about my life.  So many years, I have wondered what it really is that I was put on this earth to do.  I was to be his wife, be Nae's mom, be the eldest sister to my sisters.   We walk in circles for the better part of our 20's trying to figure out who we are, society telling us "you better figure it out, and don't take so long."
Not all of us can be the precious cargo, some of us are the ones that keep that cargo safe and put together.  As we age, a "wising" seems to occur.  We grow patience, courage, knowledge, understanding.  Then, there are others who are born enlightened.
For many who knew my husband as a boy or a teen even, they are probably thinking that I'm a little on the nuts-O side.  Yet, if you take a minute now, spend an hour or so with Hubby, you would see it too.  



I know now, that my path was to cross his so that I could learn from him.  Its in the way he looks at things, a completely different angle than I ever would. (Thank the Goddess for that!)  There have been so many times that my temper, insecurity, guilt would have led me to lash out with hurtful things. 
Enter, Running things past Travis.   I always start that conversation with, " Okay, I have to vent..... am I blowing this out of proportion??"   Mr Calm and Collected, "No, your valid in the way you feel, have you ever thought about it this way though? .....
Yes, this is when that "Ah ha" moment enters.  Its such a completely different way of looking at the situation that I can't even be mad anymore.  That emotion blows right through me.  Awe and wonder take its place.  One, for my hubby... "How does he do that?!"  Two for the shear realization of what he said, to look at it this way instead of that.
He is constantly doing that, things of enlightenment I will find, take to him and he will calmly say, "yeah, that makes sense, or I can see how that would be."
A frustration came up today in our texting , not one of mine...one of his.  I KNOW!! He hardly ever complains....about anything.  So I knew that this was something really bothering him.
We have had our fair share of REALLY hard knocks.  The list is probably very similar to so many other both couples and singles in this world right at this moment.
What I admire about my husband is his unspoken oath to take and leave everything in the now.  He rarely lets anything last past bedtime in a upset state.  I willingly try to do the same thing.
We love whole hearted, and let go of sadness and hate fast.  It has been a bumpy road to understanding, but one so rewarding and simple it makes me wonder why we didn't get it sooner than we did.
Dawned on me today that I have him and Nae to keep safe.  The treasures they hold and gift willingly to those who will listen will be priceless lessons.
I told him today that he was where he is for someone to learn from him just like I learn form him.  He isn't a gloating man, he knows that there is a lesson in everything for him too.  Yet, I believe that even with all his bumps and bruises in life.  His friends, his true friends know how much they learn from him too.
That enlightenment is hard to get him to see, Life Experience is what he would call it.  Whatever you want to call it, I'm going to keep learning, with every breath.
I am not the precious cargo, he and Naenah are,  I'm the one who keeps it safe.

Thankful Thursdays, Lesson learned.

I was going to end this day disheartened.  As I go on planning a Bridal Shower for my sis Rita, I have been on cloud 9.  I have thought out and planned, dreamed and planned some more.  I'm so excited to be doing this with my baby sis for Rita.  She has finally found her perfect match, he is wonderful for her.  And her for him.  I may have had some blinders on and didn't see clearly on some of the planning so far.   I am so wrapped up in all the love I feel for my sister that I forgot to look around and see if anyone was feeling a bit left out.
Turns out there was.  She has made her presence known.  As we plan, she nit picks and knocks us down a few notches.  Sure, it wouldn't be this way if she did it.  It would the right way.  Her way.
Too bad, I'm the last call on it.
I'm thankful for the lesson tonight.  A few of them really.  One,  I really do have to consider others, even if it is my project. Two, let it go.  I can't make them all happy.  Three, I can learn from it, be aware and move on.
I'm Thankful for the lesson......now....
I'm moving on!! :)
Norms

Phonecalls and being at Peace

Had a phone call chat with my sister tonight.  We talk on the phone to close the distance between us at least twice, sometimes three times a week.  The text and email is endless, I've lost count of what the average would even look like anymore.  This is with my middle sister, the baby sis?!  Wow, I'm sure that its even more with her.  The three of us sisters have had a respective 35, 33 and 27 living no more than 30 minutes from one another.  We have seen each other through some of the roughest times in life, also, some of the most Joyous.
The chats are not usually more that 30-45 minutes.  Keeping up on the who and what.  Both of them are marrying their best friends this year.  One in the early spring and the other in early fall.  So, we have a lot to keep each other abreast on.
But, tonight was different.  There was some surface stuff but her and I delved a bit deeper.  We both marvel at the way our spouses (hers soon-to-be) have calm, patient manners about them.  How my child seems to have been born with the very same gift.  How with their help we are slowly moving toward that same sort of enlightenment.
I told her tonight that I never really made peace with all the moving around we did.  How I had such a pent up resentment for always picking up and leaving right when the roots were taking hold.  Six months ago my whole life came full circle.  That all the moving was for my own little family, how I could make that move for them less traumatic than any of the ones I ever lived through.  I have done that, not only did we move, we got back to a life that we all deserved.  Slower paced, happier, and healthier because of it. Its becoming home more and more.
I told her, "I am more at peace with my life path now, than I have ever been at any other time in my life." 
"Good" she said. "Remember that statement." she told me.
I'm doing more than remembering.  Everyday I try to live it.
What a broke down path and person I was before I met my hubby.  At the time I didn't even know it, never really came to terms with it until I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression.  It was up to me to get on a path that would lead to Peace.  Naenah deserved that in our relationship, Hubby deserved it in our relationship.  Most of all, I deserved it.
I have many mantras for any day of the week.  Today its this one, "Live today for the page of the story it will be, tomorrow is a new page.  Yet never forget to be Thankful and Grateful for what you have been given and who you get to share it with."
Those phone calls are a life line for me from my girls.  Just like waking up to my little family is as well.
I hope that you have found Peace, and that a little piece of it lives in you.
Norms

Thankful Thurdays.....My real Mother's Day. February 24th

Four years ago on this very day, My husband and I were blessed with the gift of a 4lbs, 15oz sweet little girl. From the day she was born to the very day I pass to the Summerlands, I will always be grateful that I had the wonderful Joy of being her Momma. I will never forget how valiantly she fought for life, I will forever be in her debt. So many Life lessons already learned, so many more to share. Happy 4^th Birthday Naenah Delane. I love you.
This day will always be my Mother's Day.  I'm brimming with Joy on this day.  EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
I'm beyond Thankful, beyond Grateful and SO SO SO Blessed



Thankful Thursdays.....a small community

Moving to a small town has really opened my eyes to what I missed living amongst a huge population.  My neighbor is also my landlord.  At first I thought, great, he's going to on us all the time for everything.  Nope, this guy and his wife are AMAZING people.  Really easy going, whatever, whenever kind of people.  They took a chance on an out of state renter and MAN I ended up the luck one.
Anyways, he has rentals in town he needs help cleaning every once and awhile.  This time he asked if I would help him.  I said sure.  Nae and I need a change of pace.  Its been great.  I'm grateful that I have the ability to help.  They are good people.  I know that if I ever need anything, they would come through.
I'm super thankful to live in a small town.

Wow....and it really took that long to.....get it.

Ya, so I just had a birthday last week.  I know! I reminded my girlfriend that hers was up next and she told me that she quit having those along time ago!! Smart girl!! So as I have not made a resolution for my weight this year, it has actually remained in the forefront of my mind....go figure!
My new revelation??? You actually have to burn MORE calories than you actually put in your mouth....Duh!!!  But really, I mean an amazing amount of calories! 
As a society, we try to get by with the least amount of physical activity as possible.  So, when you have gained all that lovely weight experts tell you that 30-40 minutes of exercises is plenty.  BULL HONKY!!
We have to move people!! We have to more A LOT!! 
A 30 minute walk doesn't cut it if you want to take quite a bit of weight off.  In the Biggest Loser we see on TV, we see one workout per show.  There is NO WAY that kind of weight comes off those people with just one work out a day.  Think about it.
I always said I would love to be rich.  Then I could pay someone to cook and clean my home, I would actually have time to dedicate three to four hours to my physique.
Its been three days since I started really burning a huge amount of calories, and counting every single calorie I put in my pie hole.  I AM EXHAUSTED!!
But guess what?  I can feel the difference in how my body takes in the food I eat, and how much deeper my sleep is, waking much more well rested.
It only took thirty-five years to figure it out. My next goal?  To make sure to teach it to my daughter young enough so she's not back peddling like her Ma.
Norms